#MakeItHappen

I meant to do this sooner, but because of the goals I've sent it has already been a busy year for me! I
don't like resolutions. They are so finite and often single-minded that it is so easy to break them in a such a short amount of time. Instead, I prefer to set goals for myself because they allow you some wiggle room to be human and make mistakes. They are organic and allow for tweaking when you need to make adjustments. It is also encouraging that there is no real end to my goals; they are areas in my life that I want to improve and that can continue on for years to come. I have deemed 2015 the year of the 'S': Spirituality, Safety, and Success. I have also another 's' in there that has to do with my marriage relationship, but I'll let you guess what that word is because I don't want creepies coming here by mistake :)

Spirituality: I chose this goal because you can never be too close to God. Since becoming a full-fledged adult, I have let my faith waiver significantly due to anxiety and lack of effort. I've determined to study and reflect on my Bible every day and already it feels so good. I've been participating in the Good Morning Girls study and I love it. It's a chapter a day and I use the SOAK method to pick out the hidden pearls written there for me. I can already feel a change in myself and I can't wait to keep learning.

Safety: This has been a struggle for me since getting married. When I was young and my parents provided for me, I always felt safe and never questioned a thing. Becoming a grown-up and taking care of yourself changes your perspective. You realize there are these horrible life-suckers called bills and you owe everyone but yourself. It's scary finding a place to live and hoping that no crazy people live beside you and then your car keeps finding parts to break. I thought I was worried kid but I never truly knew worry until the last few years. My husband takes good care of us, but we have our struggles. It is my goal this year to let a lot of worry go and trust. Thankfully, my spiritual goal is already helping this.

Success: The last couple of years I have felt stuck. I'm not growing or learning and I have been lazy and comfortable doing nothing. This year, I have determined to succeed, or rather start planning to succeed. I realize that success isn't an overnight occurrence so as a goal it makes sense because it may not be this year that anything major happens but I at least have a framework and an end goal in sight. I am taking my first class for my Masters in Reading and I am reading a spectacular book by Lara Casey called Make It Happen: Surrender Your Fear, Take the Leap, Live on Purpose. I want to speak more on this book later because I'm only in chapter 3 and it's already changing my life. This book is mind-blowing.

Sssshhh: The last category is a strengthener for my marriage. I was dealt an unexpected blow and it made me realize that although we spend a lot of time together, we are severely lacking in true intimate time. I honestly feel that this is crucial for every Godly marriage and we could feel the lack of bond between us. We've made a lot of headway already and we have an action plan that makes my heart glad. Today we spent time together in our reading nook, sitting in our recliner together reading comic book and let me tell, it was like magic. The sun was shining in, the windows were open and letting in the sound of birds, and we were huddled together in a chair made for one. I just sat there and smiled like a goob the whole time.....I think it's what life is supposed to feel like.

I can tell it's going to be a big year for us and I am overjoyed. I've felt so stagnant for a long while and for the first time, I'm excited again. I can't wait to see what's next and I'm not afraid. If anyone stumbles across this blog post out there, I would love to hear what goals you've set for yourself in the new year and I wish you the best!

On Having Children(Someday)

I know I haven't taken the time to list them here yet, but one of my 2015 goals is to be more Spiritual. As a child of God, I haven't spent enough time in His word and that makes me feel ashamed. I have to determined to carve out some time in the mornings to spend reflecting on a chapter, a passage, or evn just a verse. Because having children is on my mind lately, I've chosen Psalm 127:3-5 which says:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Growing up watching my mom take care of children, I knew I wanted to be just like her. Loving, kind, and warm all describe how she made and still makes me feel. Having kids was always a given for me. That is, until I actually grew up and knew what it was like to take care of yourself. Sometimes I wonder if we are responsible enough to raise a child; we both still feel so very young and we enjoy having time to ourselves to be selfish and do whatever we want to do. Many of our friends are having children and the older I get, the more pressure I feel to not 'run out of time.' Insert slightly inappropriate quote from my favorite show ever, New Girl:

What if all that's left are the weird eggs and the evil eggs? I can feel them, they're turning. They watched their brothers and sisters die and now they want to be birthed. I need to be fertilized!

Kidding aside, the Bible says that children are a true blessing and reward to those that have them. My biggest fear is that we will get pregnant and not have the means to take care of him or her. My mom has always told me that 'if people waited until they could afford children, no one would ever have them.' I hear that and I believe that, but anyone who knows me well knows that I am a worrier and a planner. If I don't have an exact plan for taking care of my child, my world will come to end(at least it will feel like it). Babies aren't like super expensive shoes that you can regret and take back to the store for a refund, they are with you forever. And while I would like the company now and then, it scares me to think that I will hold another person's life in my hands. I will shape them, mold them, and hopefully help them become something great. This must be what God feels like every time He creates, nervously waiting for the outcome even though He already knows.

I don't think I will ever get over my fear of having children; I know my mother still worries every day despite the fact that we are all grown-ups now. Fear comes with the territory. But with the fear, comes the joy. The last sentence of the passage says 'He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.' I don't know about you, but to me that verse is describing a Proud Father. He has beautiful, loving, obedient children that he is blessed to brag about in front of everyone, even people he may not like as much. Children are a glory to their parents and though I am afraid, it is the fear that will help me to try my very best to raise them well. Hopefully, one day soon, I will be making some blessings of my own! (And yes, that precious little person down there is me!)

Happy 2K15!!!!

If anyone out there in the big, wide internet sees this--Happy New Year!!!! The Holidays were fast and incredible and I'm looking forward to something new.

2015 has a very special sound to it and my heart tells me it's going to be a good one! I want to sit down and write out a few goals for the year, but for now I'll leave you with a photo. It's from camp this summer and it's from one of the happiest times I can remember for awhile. I resolve to be as happy as the girl in this picture:

Let The Morning Bring Me Word

*I found this print on Pinterest, but sadly the link led me no where. If you recognize its owner, please let me know!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Yesterday morning I was greeted with good news. I have been fully accepted into the Masters in Reading Program at UT Tyler. I applied a little while back, turned in all of documents and waited. 'You must have an interview' they said(well, not quite like that but you know...) and I had to wait again until our internet officially worked. Interview: check. I was hoping to hear word before we left for Break, but no such luck. That's when I started feeling really doubtful. I told myself a lot of very negative things and put myself down. I thought maybe they didn't like my lack of experience or the fact that I waited five years after graduating to start my masters again. I worried. A lot. Just like I always do. I began to lose hope and faith in myself and God. I was so promising in school and now I'm a failure. I didn't sleep Sunday night at all--I sat in the bathroom floor, in the dark, and cried. Loudly enough that my sweet husband came creeping in to hold me until I fell asleep. Where is He leading me, I felt so lost.

But wouldn't you know, my answer arrived. I came to work Monday morning determined to email the Admissions department if I didn't hear back that day about my acceptance. Nothing at 8am.

 *Mild freak out ensues as I decide what kind of email I should send: Sweet and urgent or scathing and accusatory. I chose the former.

I log-in to begin said email and there it is. I don't even click it open; I speed read the preview looking for one word and find it instantly.

 Congratulations. 

That one word melted away so many feelings of regret and sadness. I have been praying that God would lead me where He wanted me to go, that He would give me a path. I'm interested in so many things that I don't often know where I belong. I'm hoping that this is His answer to my questions and my longings to be successful and whole. I have been missing a career path since I graduated and I want so badly for this to be the right choice. God has opened a door for me and shown me His love; I now must pray that I can rise to His challenge. 

What an inspiring quote and call to arms. I actually took a few minutes to research Erma Bombeck because I had never heard of her before. She was quite a woman and I highly suggest checking her out! From her brief biography on Wikipedia, you can tell she lived up to this statement. In the past three years, I have felt very much like I've been under using my talents. There are so many things that I am fairly proficient in but I have chosen instead to while away my time in front of the television or roaming about facebook for hours. Even when there's nothing new happening. One of my biggest fears in my life is to have been useless. To have so many possibilities for my life and not choosing any of them. That is my life at this moment. I don't hate my job, but I am certainly not using any talents to accomplish my work. The phone rings, I answer it, I transfer the call to someone else. It's all very thrilling. I know I'm better than this; I used sew clothes for goodness sake! Now I couldn't tell you the last time I drew a sketch or sewed a stitch.

But I'm not just talking about my creative self, I also mean my spiritual self. When it comes to my faith and beliefs, I tend to be shy. Even with other believers I stay in the cocoon of my personal relationship with God. One of my biggest problems is the fear of being wrong so I am all but crippled when someone asks me a question about the Bible. I'm not ignorant by any means, I've been reading the Word for a very long time. There just seems to be a disconnect between what I have in my head and heart and what my mouth wants to say.

After we leave Tennessee and make a fresh start I want to start over with my talents. I want to make a promise to myself that I will try new things again. I will make things; I will stretch myself and find my way back to my happy, creative self. I will spend more time in the Bible and more time sharing it with others. I pray that at the end of my life, I too will be talentless. :)

Pray for Arkansas

When I hear about severe weather in Arkansas, I always worry. My college, Harding University, is there and my college roommate and other friends still live nearby. There was a lot of damage in the state and I just wanted to take a second to lift up all of the victims, their families, and the responders and send a little extra love, comfort, and prayer their way. #arkanstrong

All the Feelings...

Oh man, I have ALL of the feelings right now. It's finally starting to hit us that we leave Tennessee in 5 weeks. Five Weeks ya'll. When we got back from our last Nashville trip, we really started to realize that there might not be another trip before we leave. Although we haven't really been as many times as we would like to, we have developed favorite places to go and it will be sad to leave them. Fortunately, we're going back to DFW and there are plenty of restaurants, malls, and fun things to do there. There is just something about Nashville though. It has this feel to it that I've always loved and honestly, if being near my family wasn't a factor, I would probably move there in a minute!

With all of the change on the horizon, I've also been laying awake most nights digging up my past. There are decisions I've made that I regret and I wish I could go back and change. I always make choices and then immediately wonder if I've made the wrong one. My faith is not what it should be and I am ashamed. The hubs and I talked about John 14 yesterday and I feel so much like Thomas. He asked Jesus how in the world would they know the way if they didn't know where they were going? Jesus tells him that He is the way. Perhaps if I will put my feet in His steps, I will finally find my way to the Peace that He offers.

If you pray, please say one for us as we prepare our home and ourselves for the long road ahead. If you don't pray, just think on us for a moment. Either way, the positive thoughts of others can do a lot of good.

I'm praying for the families that have been affected by the tornadoes sweeping the south. There is a lot of uncertainty ahead and my heart goes out to them....

Happy Easter 2014!

"Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again!"

It has been a such a beautiful weekend--Saturday we were fortunate to spend some time with Kristofor and Lauryn at the Loveless Cafe, did a little shopping at Opry Mills, and had a nice little Easter dinner with Kelsie. The Lord is so good to me!

*In case you're interested, my pink dress is from Cato's and the creamy dress is from Ross.

So Much on My Mind

My worrying heart is plaguing me. I feel as though I'm spiraling down deep chasm of fear, doubt, and regret. I hesitate to write about it here because most blogs are filled with the happy times: pictures of trips, new recipes, and good news. However, there is the other side of the coin; life gives us ups and downs and they are real, and honest, and should be shared because everything is not sunshine and rainbows.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things, my worries are small--but they are important to me and I'm praying that writing them down will help me see that it's only a list. A list to be checked off one-by-one and I will be fine.

Our future is so uncertain at this point. Anyone who really knows me well can tell you that having no concrete plan is akin to an unexpected tornado in my mind. There are a couple of things we do know: May 31st we get in the car and drive to Texas. June 6th we head to Virginia for camp. Once we get from camp, the plans are up in the air. No permanent dwelling and no tangible jobs. 

Thankfully, I have very loving and supportive parents because we'll be staying with them until we can get on our feet again. Joshua wants to take the Fire Fighter exam when it rolls around again but we don't even know when that will be or how many spots will be open in the department. My most current plans are to apply to Grad school and get back started on my Master's in Reading. I'm terrified that no one will hire me for this year though because it's been so long since I've taught and that was just student teaching. I probably wouldn't hire me either but maybe with this Master's I'll have a better chance. In the mean time, I guess I'll substitute teach to get me back in the classroom and also in with a few districts for when I finish my degree. 

In the mean time, we have a lot of packing to do and we have a lot of plans to make for camp. Each evening I start off with the best intentions to get things done, but I find that I just sit on the couch and watch too much television or spend too long on pinterest with pins that will likely never happen. My existence is so unfulfilled that the exciting parts just can't keep up with the lows. 

We need a new start for sure, but getting there is the most terrifying experience. I am praying daily for sanity, clarity, and direction. My trust in God's plan waivers constantly and I need to have faith that the other side is better....

A Little Less Grown-Up

Well, I'm feeling a bit more wise lately.

Our poor little Buick Regal down about two weeks ago and we are still waiting to hear from the mechanic. In the meantime, my sweet little sister has let us tote her around in her car. She's never once complained and it's a trait that I highly covet in her. I just hope and pray that we can find a suitable and affordable car soon because I fear the old girl's on her last leg.

No one ever said growing up would be easy; my parents certainly never led me to believe that would be the case--they worked very hard for everything and somehow I never noticed the "bad stuff." Now that I'm an adult, married, and living far from my parents I  have different perspective. There are some days that it just feels like it is pouring down heartache from the hills--so many burdens creep up and I keep them on my back like a worn-out winter coat. My worry weighs heavy on me lately and there are times when I just wish to wake up in my old room; I'd throw open the windows, turn up my stereo, and lay on bed reading or drawing for a couple hours before sitting down to a meal made by my sweet Momma.

I didn't appreciate those days enough when I was younger. I didn't realize all of the effort my parents put in to give us a comfortable life. Right now, in the spring of our marriage, I feel as though those comforts are unattainable--just out of reach and if I wish too hard for them I will knock them right off the edge of the shelf.

Though we're older, we are still very young and I know there is always a reason for the troubles we bear. I have a steady job, I know how to cook a nice dinner, and we'll come through this one knowing how to buy a car on our own. It may hurt to go through the fire, but it will eventually fade out and leave us with tougher skin for the next one....

Lectureship...or How I Lose My Husband for a Week

It's here again. The 78th Annual FHU Bible Lectureship. You know what that means don't you? Lots of cute little old ladies and gentlemen puttering through our building telling me how everything used to look. Also, it means bad weather. Without fail, every year it is either super cold, raining, or there is a freak snow storm. Do we ever cancel? No Way--we'd rather risk it rather than disappoint. Finally, it means that I basically lose Joshua for a week. Since they've "graciously" given sound duties to the theatre department(which is weird) the hubs has to coordinate all of the microphones, power points, and student workers for each event. There are a lot of events each day, so if none of the student workers can take the shift it's left up to him. He dreads this week like no other and I always hate it for him. He tries so very hard to please everyone but sometimes outdated equipment and over booked time schedules get in the way. If anyone actually comes across this blog and has a minute, please say a quick prayer that this whole week will turn out great and that any hiccups will be easily managed!

*P.S.--Only 6 more sleeps til my birthday!!!

New Year Intention

I've read many blogs lately that are declaring their intentions for the new year. Rather than make a list of Resolutions that are sure to fall by the wayside, they are choosing a word to emulate. I appreciate this approach because resolutions are just that--Torture Resolute--and if you cannot stick with it then somehow you've failed. Choosing an idea to focus on throughout the year is much more organic; ideas grow and change with you. What your intention looks like now is not what it may be one month from now, six months from now, next New Year. This gives me a sense of purpose rather than pressure and I hope to arrive on the other side of this year wiser and full of joy.

The word I've chosen for 2014 is Trust.

This is something I have struggled with my entire life. I am continually suspicious of other's motives, I scrutinize the smallest decisions to the point where every turn seems wrong, and I certainly do not give God the trust He deserves to lead me on my path. In my search for inspiration, I came across this verse from the Old Testament:

"The Lord directs the steps of the Godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand."
~Psalm 37:23-24

This verse reminds me that I am not alone. Because of my stubborn nature, I often try to conquer everything on my own. I have never in my life been someone that asks for help; just ask my teachers in school--I Never raised my hand but I had straight A's. When a wall appears before, I Google the heck out of it and find a way to know it down or go around. This often results in hours of extra work that could've been spared if I'd simply asked a friend or co-worker. I worry too much that people will think less of me, that I will come across as unintelligent or incapable of solving problems.

What I keep missing is this: "Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." My unfaithful heart is too easily led down the path of doubt and self-destruction but I must remember that guiding me through the worst bits of life is a God that is gentle, loving, and kind. He is not leading me into these trials; I get myself in these messes and He is desperately trying to show me the way out.

This is going to be a year of big decisions for the hubs and me. There are several opportunities on the horizon that will require His infinite wisdom and perfect timing. This will be a good year and I am excited; pray that my heart will gain the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

This New Year

I have decided that this year, I would like to write in my blog every day. It doesn't have to be fancy, it doesn't have to be special, or full of pictures. Just a little bit here and there until I get on my way because who knows what we'll find meaning in later.

Happy New Year--May God Bless Each and Every Day!!!!

Justified

In the book A Glimpse Into God's Heart that we are reading for my Grad Bible class the author makes this statement:

"Justification means that Jesus was treated 'just as if' He had lived my life, so that I can be treated 'just as if' I had lived His life." (K. Brothers, 2006).

This is one of the most powerfully simple things I have ever read. I must admit that my spiritual life is not as strong as it should be. My faith goes through its struggles time and again and I know that I am not the Christian young woman I should and can be. Justification is a word I have heard many times in my life but honestly it is one I never understood before.

This one sentence has opened up the entire concept for me. Because there is only light in God, sin is His enemy. I am a human being and I have thoughts and feelings and choices to make and I know I have sinned just as everyone sins (Romans 3:23). When I sin, I go against the Promise I have made to Him to be faithful and I become an enemy of God. Just like a Judge punishes a criminal, God is a Just King and will punish me for my sins--just as I deserve. However, God is also a Loving God and He and it is not in His will for any of us to perish (2 Peter 3:9). This is where Christ comes in.

Dr. Brothers mentions a story about a king that decides to punish thieves by taking out two eyes. When his son is caught stealing, he knows he cannot go against the law but he also doesn't want his son to suffer blindness forever. He is a just king because he only takes one of his son's eyes. He is a loving king because he gives up one of his eyes for his son. God paid the ultimate price for us in that he gave up His own son to save us. He gave up both eyes in order for us to no longer be His enemy.

Back to the statement above.  Christ took on my life so that He could save me. I know what I have done in my life and it hasn't always been pretty. I have made a lot of mistakes and gone down paths that were not befitting for Christ to walk down. After reading that sentence, I feel more ashamed know of the choices I have made than ever before. Can you imagine Christ standing your place during all of the bad decisions you've made? If you don't believe in God, can you imagine a person in your life that you know to be so wholesome and good standing in your place through your worst?

Whether we are a Christians or not, shouldn't that be enough to make us want to change? I want to live a life that is worthy of Christ(or whoever) to walk in--a life that parallels the one He gave us in return for His death on the cross. Christ took "what we deserved so that we can receive what He deserves" (pg. 70). If we had to swap places, wouldn't you want to give your loved one a life that is good?

I'll end this post with another story from the book:

[A man] visited an elderly woman badly crippled by arthritis. [He] asked her, "Do you suffer much?"
"Yes, but there is no nail here," she responded as she pointed to her hand. "He had the nails, I have the peace." She then pointed to her head. "There are no thorns here. He had the thorns, I have the peace." She touched her side and said, "There is no spear here. He had the spear, I have the peace" (pg. 70).

Christ suffered for me, so I could have peace. The least I can do is live a life that is worthy of that peace.